I guess I started this blog, really, to have a place to vent and document the ridiculous stuff I deal with working at a veterinary ER. Some of the stories will not be my own, only legends of events that have happened during the days of the week when I was not present. We (the staff at the ER) have said some pretty ridiculously funny things of our own, usually because we are dealing with some really 'special' people. One of my favorites has to be the night my fellow coworker, Mandy, answered the phone to a distressed individual that had found an orphaned rabbit in their backyard. We'll call this individual Panicked Patty, or PP for short. PP didn't know what she should do, she couldn't believe a mother rabbit would leave her young so defenseless and alone in her backyard. Why would she do such a thing? When could we come out and pick up this tiny little creature in an ambulance and get him the help he needs? Of course she couldn't bring him in! Its just a rabbit! She isn't driving that far just to save a rabbit! What do you mean you wont come over and help this poor creature? What I am supposed to do, sit here and watch it DIE?! How horrible! How is she supposed to just sit there and watch this innocent furry little animal (whom she wouldn't donate 4 gallons of unleaded gasoline to) DIE?! Thirty minutes later Mandy calmly and straight faced told her if she didn't want to watch the rabbit die......then she should put it under a bush and go inside. When I heard the story I did that laugh. You know the one, where you clap like a mentally handicapped seal and no sound comes out. (Thanks Max for that perfect description of the laugh we all know we do but have no words to explain it.) Sure it sounds cold and heartless, but when you have three other phone lines ringing in your ear, dogs dying all around you and more pouring through the door every minute you are on the phone with PP.....I think it was a reasonable resolution to all of our problems.
Last night someone called me at the ER because her dog was sick. She used to work at a veterinary hospital so she knew what to do. She had given the dog a peroxide enema (duh!) but now the dog was vomiting. I don't know what makes owners think they have the right to stick something up their dogs ass. I don't care how sick your dog is, if your only collective thought tells you to put something up his butt I would drop the dog off at a the nearest shelter and seek professional help.
Later that night the above mentioned couple arrived at the ER. The peroxide enemas weren't helping and the dog was still vomiting and now had diarrhea that was bloody and fizzing like a soda. (from the peroxide enema) I couldn't get over how normal they looked. The same person standing before me in her Ugg boots, perfect mascara and Kathy Van Zeeland handbag had just committed the most ridiculous act I had ever heard of. (well thats not true, people have done worse.) She was distraught, Fluffy was her baby and she could NOT lose him. We were instructed to do everything we needed to do to make her dog well again. After a few routine tests and some supportive care, her dog was close to walking out of our clinic good as new. Ready to put the entire enema incident behind him knowing he could have done worse for owners. The only thing left to do was settle up with me up front and pay for their services. When I presented them with their $250 bill I noticed immediately no one went to reach for a wallet or really even acknowledged I had spoken. When they met my eyes they looked shocked that I was requesting payment for saving Fluffys life and asked to have their charges billed to them. I calmly explained we don't finance their pets care, and that payment was due at the time the services were rendered. (I may have also pointed to the 20X30 inch signthat was hanging on the wall that reiterated my statement .) In other words, pay me now and leave so I (along with Fluffy) could forget this ever happened. Needless to say they walked out of my clinic with a dog on the mend and having not paid a cent for all of our hard work. Sigh. This isn't a new phenomenon in the ER business but this chick took it to an all new level. Not only was the phone number she called from not her own, the address she wrote on the paperwork was incorrect as well. The only thing I can hope for at the end of the day is that this dog had explosive bloody diarrhea all over her Chevy Tahoe and that she has cloth, not leather.
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