2012 in review, big hopes for 2013

So my first ever blog post of 2012 outlined my goals for the year. I didn't accomplish them all, but I did make accomplishments. I am a gun owner, though haven't completed my conceal and carry. (Still a goal for 2013 ;) I accomplished saying NO more often to other people besides my kids. Which in turn allowed me to say YES to my kids more often. This years goals seem beyond my reach but I will strive for them anyway.

1) Enroll in college to begin my bachelors degree. Though I am slightly embarrassed I will have to attend KSU, I am willing to sacrifice being shunned by my KU family and friends. My kids will all be school aged in a couple years and I will once again become a working woman.

2) Send my horse to a trainer and delve back into the world I love and have missed. I need to do something for me without feeling selfish. I need a outlet. People like me, type A's, tend to become self destructive when we have down time. I need an outlet that is true to who I am and what I love.

3) Be more open minded. The problems in this world will not be solved based on my opinion alone and I need to see others views and adapt them to reaching solutions we can all benefit from.

4) Strengthen my relationship with my oldest daughter NOW to prevent the distance and distrust that will certainly come with her getting older. If she doesn't trust me now she will never trust me as she gets older.

5) Somewhat shut out the outside world and focus on my family. They are more important than Facebook and Twitter.

6) Find time to focus on me and my dreams. Every mother feels selfish doing this but it is imperative to show your kids you value yourself. I've felt for so long that being a stay at home mom is a job that holds little respect and that just isn't true. I have sacrificed "me" for far too long and though they may not respect me now for it, they will when they are older.

7) Quit smoking! I am voluntarily sacrificing my life for no reason. I have lost friends and family to this terrible addiction and lost friends to cancer that lived normal healthy lives.

8) Start running again! My health is just as important as my children's and if I don't embrace that I can't preach to them the importance of making good decisions regarding their health.

I avoid New Years resolutions because I believe we set ourselves up for failure when we make them. These are my goals for 2013 and they may not all be achieved. Only I can make these changes and I intend to make every effort to see them through.

Helpless. Party of One.

I don't know how to live in a world where Kindergarteners are murdered in cold blood. There are no words that explain the helplessness that a parent feels in the wake of the tragedy in Newtown Connecticut. Do we pull our kids out of school and homeschool? No.....because they could be killed in a movie theater. Do we rally for more strict gun reform? No.....because these guns were possessed legally. Do we accept the harsh reality that our children's lives are at stake no matter where they are? I don't think I can accept that either.

It starts with kindness......with empathy. It starts with placing value on life........and not just our own. Tonight I lay sobbing at each one of my children's beds while they lay in peaceful slumber. What is the answer to sparing their lives in a world full of hate. The answer lies within all of us. Take the time to participate in your children's lives because YOU are responsible for their existence. Stop pushing them away and hold them closer. Be thankful for every day you have with them because in the blink of an eye it could all be over. Take responsibility. It ends with us. Their parents. It will only stop when WE stop.........and recognize that they need us to become successful, to know right from wrong, to place a value on the short life we are given. Turn off the tv, take time to talk, stop pushing them away. The future of this country depends on the parents of the children that will some day take a stand and change it. Maybe we can't change the world but they can. Being a parent is one of the most important jobs in the world.......take it seriously and love them. Teach them how to love each other and to love god. Twenty children were killed today as a result of a sick human being that no longer valued life. This is your wake up call to stop what you are doing........and become a responsible parent.

Who's idea was it to have THREE kids in October??!!

Birthday parties.  Two words that make me want to vomit.  Literally.  Those two words leave me feeling sick to my stomach.  Birthday parties.  It comes once a year......every year.................October. My three little blessings (thanks for that term Cori) were born within 8 days of each other, TWO on the same day.  It seemed simple enough in the beginning.  Perfect really.  One big party for all three kids.  That ship has sailed.

Sam wants a sleepover with her closest 15 friends. (point gun at head and pull trigger) There is no way I am having 16 girls in my house and rooms at the Marriott are too expensive.  I told her no.  James wants to have another party here at our house with the tractor, apple bobbing, pumpkin decorating and Ben............our horse.  Awwww......that was a great party James.  I will cherish the memories of that party until the day I die but.......... I don't think I can bring our sweet Ben back from the grave.  (Every time we talk about Ben not coming home it leads to tears and nightmares so I still haven't told him no yet) Ava doesn't care.  She seriously has no idea what the fuss is all about.  Its October...........we have a birthday party for Sam and James..........who cares??  Oh Ava........I am so sorry you are the last child and I forgot to tell you all of those parties were for you too.  Please forgive me and I swear on your 16th birthday I will buy you the safest newest model of the Honda Civic I can afford.  She's so tolerant.

So in order to make this October like every other October I have decided to have another baby.  Yep....thats right....a baby.  Diapers, formula, bottles, wipes.......the whole shizam.  I just wouldn't know what to do with myself if October came and went and I didn't have a newborn baby in my arms.  Her name is Marley and she is the beautiful offspring of two friends of ours ;)  I will now be her proud nanny 5 days a week.  Am I crazy? (You have to be asking yourself this by now) No.  I absolutely LOVE babies.  I adore them.  I adore them even more when my vagina doesn't have to be stitched up afterwards and someone picks them up at 5pm. In all seriousness babies are amazing and I feel so blessed that these two people have trusted me with their precious little miracle.  I do not however know how I am going to get over the name Marley and how I automatically think of a Labrador and Owen Wilson.  God I hope she doesn't have his nose.  Well.........I guess thats not my problem.

Fall cant get here soon enough.  I am ready to take on all that it has to offer.  Football, chili, fire pits.....my precious Uggs that are still holding strong.  I absolutely wouldn't have it any other way.  As long as I can remember that it is the small things in life that are going to be remembered by me.......and only me.  The smiles, the laughter the moments that I share with these four people inside these walls.  Those are the things that matter.  Everything else is just icing on the birthday cake ;)

NAG......and you SHALL receive!

I have been wanting a new computer for a long time.  The last computer we bought was a laptop in 2008. Shortly after its arrival our sweet little princess Ava popped off half the keys on the keyboard resulting in me spending HOURS trying to figure out where they all went.  The laptop had a pretty rough life.  It endured having its screen colored with crayons when James couldn't figure out a coloring game, being slammed closed every time I told one of the kids it was time to get off the computer, being dropped on the kitchen floor, being mutilated by Ava, and who knows what else that I never knew. This thing was TOUGH.

Early on Saturday morning (well.....not early....I tend to rise around 10am) I walked into the kitchen, gently tapped the ON button on my way to the coffee pot and waited for old faithful to boot up as I sipped my morning coffee.  I waited.....and waited.....and pushed again........and checked the outlet......and checked the charger........but nothing happened.  Puzzled, I looked at Sam and her friend sitting at the kitchen bar and asked "Did you guys use the computer this morning?"

"No, mom.......it wouldn't turn on."
"Hmmm........" I said, "I wonder whats wrong with it now?"
"We don't know...........<insert whisper> do you think that maybe it would do that if someone spilled water inside of it?"
"Uhhhh......YEAH.......I do! What happened?"
"Oh.........well that didn't happen.......we were just wondering........"

Slap forehead.

I went over to the geriatric PC and gently turned her upside down.  Slowly......drip drip drip........the guilty liquid spilled out.  Lemonade.

I wasn't mad...........I of course had to pretend to be because it was a really big deal, but honestly, I had been waiting for that thing to die so I could finally upgrade my family to an iMac Desktop computer.  My glee quickly turned to panic as I worried about my documents........my pictures..........everything that hadn't been backed up onto a disk.  Crap.

As I slowly dismantled the laptop and placed its hard drive into a bowl of rice I quietly surfed the net on my phone and shopped for a replacement.  It felt so dirty.  I managed to mask my excitement when I typed a frantic text to my husband and broke the news.  Secretly I was wondering what I should do for Sam's friend, Gretchen, to thank her for effortlessly carrying out the grotesque hit on our family's computer.

The next day, much to my surprise, my husband had the hard drive back in old faithful and it was slowly limping along.  Great, just great.  WHAT do we have to do to this computer to END its reign?
I remember leaving for work Sunday morning glaring at that hunk of junk on the counter just barely breathing and running on fumes and lemonade residue and I stated simply "I don't care that you fixed it I want it GONE and I want a new computer!"  I seriously said that.   Then I stormed out like a spoiled little child.  Luckily we were busy at work and I didn't have time to fret about my temper tantrum.  When I returned home at 11 that night there she was.....still sitting on the counter running like a champ, in better condition than when I had left.  I just sigh and walk past, pretty embarrassed about my earlier outburst.

 As I walked into my bedroom, past my sleeping husband and towards my closet door (which for some reason was shut) I saw a glow.  A soft beautiful glow from underneath the closet door that captured my attention and led me through to the dark room......I slowly and anxiously opened the door to a miraculous sight.  I actually did it.  I managed to be a total bitch.........and had effectively applied the right amount of pressure/guilt to get what I wanted......AGAIN!  My husband would make a horrible Dog Whisperer......you don't reinforce bad behavior with a reward!  How do you expect to break the cycle?!

The shiny modern flat screen monitor had a personalized screen saver which simply read "Your welcome."  At the moment when I should be elated with this amazing sight..........all I could do was correct his grammar.  Thanks honey, you are the best..............and here I sit on my throne.......just living the dream ;)

Night of the living children

Is it just me or is there nothing scarier than seeing your children in the middle of the night? Mine aren't the kind of kids that come in crying and throwing a fit tapping you on the head asking to crawl into bed.  My kids are like SWAT team snipers.  Sam likes to stand right outside of my bedroom door and just stare at me while she does surveillance and comes up with a plan of action.  Sometimes she crawls to my side of the bed, gets inches from my face and just waits for me to wake up.  When I wake up I fear for my life.  Why does this freak me out? I don't know........ maybe its because of horror movies like "The Ring" or the Amityville horror movie that have those creepy children standing in the doorway holding their teddy bears with evil smiles on their faces.    

Saturday night, while staying awake waiting for the "devastating storms" threatening our area I was trying to keep my eyes open at 3am when I saw a child like flash dash across the hallway.  Honestly I was so tired and sleep deprived that I wasn't sure it was real.  I woke my husband.  At the time it seemed like an emergency because I was pretty sure I had just seen a ghost.  James has the tendency to make a mad dash into my room, fall to the floor in front of my bed to avoid breaking his cover, and then army crawls to his dads side of the bed to sneak inside. We searched the room........no James............I assumed I was crazy. I laid back down to check the current radar and once again the child like flash dashed across the hallway towards the living room. I knew it wasn't my imagination this time and soon found they both were huddled on the living room couch scared of the storm.

Ava on the other hand clumsily stumbles into my room, throws her blanket and sippy cup onto my head and hoists herself up.  She kicks me in the side and steals my pillow and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she is claiming her spot.  This I can handle.  She is a "regular" in our room every night.  Really the only creepy thing about Ava is that she has decided to start referring to herself in the third person this week.  "Ava is hungry", "Ava has to go potty", "Ava doesn't want to go to bed"............I am struggling to figure this one out.

One store, two store, three store.....FAIL!

So tomorrow is dress like Dr Seuss day at school. I have been VERY excited about this and racking my brain for ideas. Sam didn't have anything in her closet that was red and white striped, nothing even SOLID red! A trip to the store was unavoidable. I think I went to five stores last night with little to no success. I finally scored a turquoise Henley and solid red top for underneath but not a single thread of anything striped. Leaving a little disappointed I went home and immediately called my friend Jess at Drama Girl and asked her to whip me up a tutu.....Dr Seuss style. She is amazing and had it made before the night was over. Score!

Next was to think of a rhyming snack and I had been brainstorming that one for awhile. I finally decided on "fish in a dish"!

So while I should be sitting here excited for tomorrows festivities, I'm not........Sams not going to school Friday.....she has strep. FML.